1. Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws paper at the teacher.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! and I get to go home now. So long suckers.
2. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
“Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.
God is watching the apples.”
3. Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
4. ”Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
5. Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?
Christy: I'd climb a tree.
Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?
Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.
Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?
Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?
6.The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time.”
7.Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully again.
If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “Let’s try this another way.
If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”
Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”
8. Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny.
9. Teacher: Did your father herp you with your homework?
Teacher: Hmm are you sure your father didt help you with your homework
Student: Nope , he did it all by himself
10. Peter: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
Peter: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”
11. Two fathers chat outside school in the morning;
"Bill, have you solved your son’s math problems?"
"Yes, man, I did. Why?"
"Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them…?"
12Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
13A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.
This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
14Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
15Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.
How much is six plus four?"
Class: "At once!”
16Teacher: “Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Johnny, bark.”
Johnny: “Bow, wow, wow!”