WEE wee wee wee!

Waiter: Hello what would you like for your entree? 

P1: Calamari please 

P2: The pasta please 

P3:I want water, lots and lots of water

 

Waiter: would you like to order main now?

P1:I want a nice big steak,

P2:I would like the chicken dish ,

P3:I want water, lots and lots of water

 

waiter: and fordessert.?

P1:I want a banana split

P2:I’ll have the apple cake

P3:I want water, lots and lots of water

 

Waiter: Pardon me for asking, but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

P3: Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

 

 

Will you marry me

 

Narrator: Once upon a time a guy asked a girl 

Boy: Err… Will you marry me?" 

Narrator The girl said 

Girl:NO!

Narrator :and she lived happily ever after...

 

 

Hunchback

 

HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor.

Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

 

DOCTOR: Take off your jacket please. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like taking off my jacket

 

DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to take off your jacket. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR:Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his jacket) 

 

DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school?

 

HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why?

 

DOCTOR:Did you ever wonder what happened to your schoolbag?

 

 

 

NEMO

A: whats the matter.

B: My mate he always used to watch movies and when the hero in the movie dived into the water my friend would hold his breath to see if he could hold his breath as long as the hero.

A: Oh ….. so what’s the problem.

B: He watched the little mermaid and he drowned.

 

 

 

Rapunzel Party

A: I’m having a party who should I invite

B: You could ask Rapunzel. 

A: Rapunzel why would you invite Rapunzel to a party?

B: They say she really let’s her hair down!

 

 

 

 

PILOT :

 

This is your captain speaking. I hope you are enjoying your flight.  Shortly we will be flying over where Peter Pan lives. You can look out the window if you like but we can’t stop unfortunately because of the sign that says “ NEVERLAND”

 

 

Curly questions

 

Kid : If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place? ?? In the Lion King, what was Scar's name before he got the scar? What happens if Pinnochio says my nose is about to grow????

 

 

 

Password

 

A: Whats your password for the Disney website.

B: Cinderella Sleeping Beauty Wicked witch Rapunzel.

A: Why do you have such a long password?

B: they told me to choose 4 characters.

 

 

Fear of Giants

 

Doctor: come in

Patient: thanks

Doctor: what seems to be the problem

Patient : I have this incredible fear of giants

Doctor: Oh thats very common

Patient: it is?

Doctor: Yes it’s a phobia. It’s called Fi Fie Phobia. 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Little Pigs in the Desert

 

Pig 1: How did we get lost in the desert its hot and i think i smell bacon.

Pig 2; I cant go a step further

Pig3 this is the end.

FMG: Poof. Hello Im your fairy god mother.  I will grant you each a wish. 

pigs: Hooray!!!

Pig 1: I wish I was back in my houseof bricks drinking a nice cool drink.

FMG: Bippety Bopperty Booo!!!!!! ( Pig 1 disappears)

Pig 2 I wish I was rolling in mud at my stick house. 

FMG Bippety Bopperty Booo!!!!!

(Pig 2 disappears )

Pig three: It’s getting pretty lonely out here in the desert. I wish they’d come back.

 

Pig three: It’s getting pretty lonely out here in the desert. I wish they’d come back.

 

 

 

Trump is a liar3 characters

 

 

Cinderella: "I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world"

Peter Pan   I think you are Cinderella and I want to be remembered as the the most marvellous boy that ever lived"

Pinocchio:  You probably are Peter Panand I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world”

Peter Pan : Good for you Pinoccio Let’s consult the Guinness book of world records!

Pinoccio: Yes Cinderella congratulations it says here that you are the most beautiful girl in the world"It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!”

Cinderella: And look Peter Panit says here that you are the most marvellous boy that ever lived! Pinnochio let’s see if you are the biggest liar. 

 

Pinnochio:(Pinnochio looks in the book) Who’s Donald Trump?

 

 

Big bad wolf

 

A: What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf wearing sun-glasses?

B: I don’t know, What did Little Red Riding-Hood say when she saw the big, bad wolf wearing sun-glasses?

A: nothing 

B: Nothing?

A: She didn't recognise him.

B: Why did the big bad wolf wear yellow overalls

A: I don’t know why 

B: He had a rip in his blue ones ……

 

 

Poo

 

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a tree log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you leave me alone? I'm trying to doa poo!”

 

 

 

Q:Why can't you give Elsa from Frozena balloon?

 A: Because she will Let it go. 

 

 

A: Shall we go to dinner? Lets go to Peter Pan's favourite restaurant? 

 

B: Peter Pan’s favourite restaurant? What’s Peter Pan’s favourite restaurant.

 

A: Wendy's! 

 

 

Q: What does Ariel like on her toast?

A: Mermalade!

 

 

Q: how do you brush a dragons teeth

A: very carefully

 

 

Q: what do you call a pretty girl with a broom

A: sweeping beauty

 

1.Did you hear about the giant with dihorreah?

Well Its all over town!

 

 

1.Q: Did you hear how Captain Hook died? A: Jock Itch! 

 

 

2;Q: how do you stop the Billie goat from charging you? A: Take away his credit cards!

 

 

 

Sport skits

 

Thinking

 

Captain : "My players would like to know if the AFL has rules against thinking.

Umpire: Thinking. Not really!

Captain: Just to clarify there is no rule against thinking.

Umpire: No. Why?

Captain: Well because my team thinks you are an idiot." 

 

 

Cant play cricket

 

A: You're looking glum'

B: Yes. My doctor says I can't play cricket.' 

A: Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!' 

 

 

Collingwood supporter

 

Teacher: Ok class on the weekend I am going to the football to see Collingwood play because I'm a Collingwood supporter. Are there any other Collingwood supporters here. (. All hands go up but 1) Looks like Mary is doing her own thing. You don't have your hand up Mary?

 

Mary: Because I'm not a Collingwood supporter.

 

Teacher: Well what are you?

 

Mary: I'm a proud Crows fan

 

Teacher: And why have you decided to be different to the rest of the class?

 

Mary: Because my Mum and Dad are Crows fans so I'm a Crows fan too.

 

Teacher: Well that's no reason to support a team just because your parents do. What if your parents were morons?

 

Mary: Then I'd be a Collingwood supporter.

 

 

Chess:

2 players playing chess.

A: Wanna make this more interesting?

B: Sure ..... What did you have in mind a little wager?

A: No I meant; Let's stop playing chess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sky Diving ( 3 people)

 

A: Welcome to wide world of Sport we have a question from a Mrs Jones from Park orchards asking about the difference between sky diving and golf. Here's an example of a bad day at golf 

 

B: wacking the ball:  Wack!.... Oh no!

And a bad day sky diving. 

C: parachute doesn't open Oh no! Hitting the ground Wack!

 

 

 

 

Sermon

A kid walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Harry Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry, “don’t you know? that’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up “you mean I could record your sermon?”

 

 

Hunter

“Help!” screamed the hunter into his cell phone “I was trying to shoot a deer and by mistake I killed my partner.” “OK” said the ranger into the phone “try to calm yourself down. First I would like you to make sure he’s dead.” “Ok” said the hunter “hold on one second.” Suddenly BOOM, than the hunter came back on, “yeah he’s dead.”

 

 

SWEAT

Why did the tennis player never sweat? Because he had such huge fans!

 

 

I blame my parents

 

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the
second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle,
I’d be supporting a decent team.”

 

 

 

 

Snakebite

 

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

 

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

 

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

 

“He says you’re gonna die.”

 

 

 

 

Buddy

 

A: Hello This is buddy Franklin I demand to speak to the coach.

B: He's not home right now. Who are you?

A: I'm Lance Franklin.... Buddy Franlin

B: Lance or Buddy 

A: Both. Look I got to speak to the coach

B: Well he'll have to call you back when he gets in what's your number

A: 23!

 

 

 

Teed Off

 

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee."

 

"Oh, that’s awful!" she says.

 

"You’re not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …”

 

 

On liners

 

A: My dads got a fit bit . 

B: My dad’s just got a few fat bits

 

A: I hold the school record for jumping rope - One.

B: You hold the school record for jumping rope! Wow. How many could you do

A: One- none’s ever done lower than that!

 

 

 

 

A: the hurdles were cancelled this year

B: THE Hurdles were cancelled this year why?

A: It’s not a leap year

 

 

A: How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? 

B: Fore!

 

 

 

TEACHER: I saw you swimming out there. Why are you swimming on your back? 

PUPIL: Because I've just had lunch.

Teacher: So?

PUPIL: it's dangerous to swim on a full stomach.

 

 

 

A: My teacher told me to exercise with dumbbells. 

B: OH OK

A: SO…. Will you join me in the gym?

B: HEY!

 

 

TEACHER: It is well known that exercise kills germs. 

PUPIL: That’s ridiculous

Teacher: Why is it ridiculous that exercise kills germs.

PUPIL: Well, How do they get the germs to exercise?!

 

 

 

A: What kind of marks did you get in physical education?"

B: I didn't get any marks only a few bruises."

 

 

A:I have the body of an athlete."

B:Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."

 

 

A: What three R's do cheerleaders learn at school?

B”Rah, rah, rah!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEACHER: The national sport in Spain is bullfighting and in England it's cricket.

PUPIL: I'd rather play in England.

TEACHER: Why is that?

PUPIL: It's easier to fight crickets.